“We have to talk.” Does anything good ever follow those words? Not when they are uttered by a doctor after colonoscopy. What followed for me was a diagnosis of colorectal cancer. This wasn’t supposed to happen to me at 55. It wasn’t supposed to happen to me, ever. It was not in my plan. I am still a little woozy from the sedatives when I hear this. I am a little in denial. I am more concerned about going through another damn colonscopy than I am about the cancer. Then I wake up.
I am told the prognosis is good. I am told this is a very treatable cancer. I try to feel lucky, but it doesn’t work. We meet with the doctor the next day. I find out the cancer hasn’t spread to my liver or my abdominal lining-good news. They will call with an appointment for the next colonoscopy, which will be done with ultrasound to stage the cancer.
I believe that attitude matters. I believe that we can speak healing or sickness into our lives. I decide to speak healing over this cancer. I decide to listen to healing meditations daily. I decide to start this diary. These things I can control.
This diary is part of my therapy, part of my healing, part of my kicking this cancer out of my body. So I am going to be selfish. If you chose to read this diary, you will be exposed to my snarky sense of humor. Maybe you’ll like it! You may “hear” some language you don’t like. You will be exposed to my struggles. You will be exposed to my efforts to be positive in the face of cancer, but remember that there are things that I refuse to say because I don’t want to speak them into being. I am as strong as I need to be, and not a bit stronger. I have fears and I have dark nights. I hope reading my words will help someone else; writing them will help me even if nobody else ever sees them.